The Freshman Experiment

So, I am moved in. My bags have been unpacked and my dorm room has been filled. I’ve been “convocated” and I am now officially a college student.

Let me explain something. This event has been on my mind for about three years now. I have known that I wanted to go to Prestigious University (PU) since the end of freshman year. And all I have done since I realized that was my goal was dreamed and imagined what this day would be like. And since I received my acceptance letter, all I’ve done was pine and long for when I would actually set foot upon PU’s campus and be addressed as a student.

So can someone tell me—

Why the fuck do I feel so sad right now?

All day long there has been this undeniable lump in my throat and no matter what I do, I cannot get rid of it. And it threatens to expose me for the coward I truly am at any given moment. Seriously. There was nothing in the dean’s speech tonight that should have brought me to tears, and yet I was sitting there, surrounded by hundreds of other students, and this damn lump was rising and my eyes were almost welling up with tears. And this has been happening all day. I cannot stop crying (or at least almost crying).

I first cried last night when I realized that this morning was the last time I’d ever see the house I grew up in (my mom is moving in a few weeks). It was a sad realization, but not that serious a cry. The real explosion was due to my mother. About an hour after she had announced she was going to bed last night, she came to me with red eyes. She held me and told me how proud she was of me and that she hoped I could be proud of myself one day and that she had done her best to be a good mother. And that was heartbreaking for me to hear because she has. She has been the greatest mother. So naturally her tears summoned my tears. But that was a good cry. We cried together as we sat on the floor in each others’ arms and sobbed because we loved each other so much.

Today’s throat-lump has not been hinting at a “good” cry. It’s been trying to break me into one of those cries brought on by pure loneliness and grief, where you can barely open your eyes afterwards and your throat feels like you’ve been screaming. And I know that as soon as the lamp gets switched off and my head hits the pillow, in the darkness, I will not be able to stop the tears. I dread saying goodnight to my roommate knowing that only moments later she may hear the sobs that have been fighting to get out of me all day. The dead of night has a way of bringing out all the secrets that you’re somehow able to hide in the daylight.

I should not be sad. My roommate is great. My RA is great. PU is perfect, just like I always knew it would be. The day was fine. Sure it was very, very hot (it’s actually amazing to me how the seasons here can be so drastically different), but I really can’t complain about anything. I just can’t explain or stop the lump.

Perhaps my feelings could better be expressed in a haiku. I like haikus. They’re simple and clean and easy. Plus, they’re so darn fun to write! So—

College has begun. (5)
The other kids laugh and smile. (7)
I just miss my mom. (5)