Heartbroken.
Music: Sufjan Stevens- “To Be Alone With You”
I don’t really know what to do with myself right now. I know Kait said that I owe you all multiple, in-depth posts updating you all on what’s been happening with me, and I absolutely agree, but I just don’t know that I can form the thoughts right now. Honestly, I’m just sort of lost.
I’m sitting in my bed at home because I am officially done with my freshman year. These last 9 months have flown by impossibly fast and I don’t want to think about the fact that a quarter of my time in college is finished. Loading up my car today (in the pouring rain, no less) was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep from this week of finals, or the exhaustion from packing up every single possession I accumulated this year, but I was a mess all day. I could not stop crying on the way home and, frankly, it’s going to be a while before I feel completely okay. Every goodbye got harder and there were some people that, even now, just thinking about not seeing them for the next three months makes me upset. I’ve been realizing lately, and especially today, in spite of the issues I was dealing with at the beginning of the year and all the thoughts of potentially transferring, I had an amazing year. I cannot express enough love for the friends I have made—they are simply amazing human beings. They are my family, truly. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced happiness like I’ve recently achieved, and I’m just so afraid that it’s going to slip away.
I can’t keep going right now because it’s too hard. This whole day was just heartbreaking. I think that’s the only word for it.
But I guess now is as good a time as ever to address the question that’s been posed to us all year about how to return home. The answer: I don’t know. I was just starting to understand what home means.
Posterchild, what you wrote is beautiful. I’m so sorry that you are feeling so bad right now, but so glad that you have been sharing it with us.
Yes. Thank you. This is really well put and vivid. I know it’s hard to put into words so I’m glad that you tried. I’d really like to hear more about the transition you’re going through if you’re up for writing about it. I think it’s an interesting one and I’d love to try to find a way to write something about it. I think the feeling you’ve hit on is so universal but also so specific having read everything you’ve written this year. It’s a strange experience to know so much about what your freshman year was - all the ups and downs in regards to the transition and to transferring - and then read this post. It’s both really sad and so exciting to hear - that ultimately, you had an amazing year.
Don’t be too sad, you DO get to go back. Summer will fly by too. I think your feelings indicate you are in exactly the right place for you. Won’t sophomore year be even more incredible now that you have a year under your belt?