What it’s like inside my head
Music: The Wombats - Let’s Dance to Joy Division
I was packing all of my toiletries and hygienic stuff today when I noticed that I have very little make-up. I looked up at myself in the mirror and just thought “you are not feminine.” Now I don’t doubt that I’m a girl, I promise I have all the anatomical parts that separate me from males, but in terms of the qualities that fall under the word “Feminine” I possess very little of those characteristics.
For instance, make-up has proven to be my one, true foe in life. The first time I put on mascara was in sixth grade when obnoxious eyeshadow and caked on foundation was the look all girls had in middle school. Reluctantly I bought my first tube of mascara, but a half hour after I put it on my lashes, it felt like my eyes were being flushed with hot water. I started scratching until my eyelids swelled and itchy, hive-like dots decorated my face. Ever since that traumatic allergic reaction I use mascara sparingly. I think the only time I wore it last year was for my birthday party and no one had gotten a chance to see it anyway because I got too drunk and wound up falling asleep at 11. The only thing I habitually put on my face besides soap and water is chapstick.
There is another thing that distinguishes me from the girly girls, and that’s BOYS. Sadly, all of the girls in my high school were boy-crazed. It was always “who am I going to hook up with tonight??” or “I wonder how I’m going to make So-and-so like me.” I never actively pursued someone which could be attributed to laziness more than anything else. The boys I hung out with and dated in high school had liked me for literally years before they mustered up the courage to ask me out. If they hadn’t gotten their acts together then I would’ve never known they liked me. It’s not that I ignore boys, it’s just they have never been a high priority. Even when I was in a relationship I never got too swept up by the all the love; I never made outlandish comments like we’re going to get married. I always knew that they were temporary relationships and I enjoyed them. Personally, I want to live a whole life before I meet my husband - pay my own bills, live alone in my own apartment, become successful on my own accord.
Food is also another divider. Too many of my girl friends are constantly worrying about calories and fat and all this other appetite-suppressing talk. I don’t eat myself into a coma but I do love food and I eat what I want when I want and I never feel guilty about it. Seriously. There have been days when I eat cheeseburgers and then a few hours later I’m happily gobbling an ice-cream sundae drowning in chocolate syrup. I mostly eat healthily but it’s not a conscious decision, it’s just that thankfully a lot of the foods I love are generally good for me (at school you can catch me eating lettuce dipped into basil vinaigrette dressing. Mmm, so delicious). My big philosophy is you’ve got one life, girl, so if you wanna have a brownie then have a brownie!
I once read this article or book, I forget, that basically said while we only have two sexes - male and female - we have multiple genders from Girly girls to Tomboys to Manly Men and so on. I’m sure there are tons of girls like me who are severely lacking in the femininity department. We could just be a whole sub-set of “female!” I should start a Facebook group.
Or what if gender is fluid and we can pass through different ones during our lifetimes? Like, maybe when I’m 35 I’ll suddenly become make-up, boy and calorie-obsessed.
I really hope that doesn’t happen.
What do you think? Am I onto something here or am I just talking out of my ass?
I think it means that you are a very secure person within yourself, and that you’re probably very beautiful and don’t need makeup! You’re fortunate not to have any food issues. It’s been my observation that the girls who are not constantly chasing boys, or worried about finding a boyfriend, are the most sought after girls (by boys that is…). The fact that they don’t care makes them very appealing.
i totally go through phases. i experiment with make up sometimes and then other times i don’t care what i look like at all. i eat healthily mostly but sometimes i eat like a teenager for days on end. so many phases. work phases too - sometimes i’m a reader and sometimes i’m a writer. generally, i want to do one and not the other (and it’s not a matter of procrastination. it’s just that there are months when all i want to do is read and others when i can’t write fast enough.)
I’m def. feeling you on the whole makeup and food issue. Whenever I go out with friends I somehow become the Human Food Disposal and end up munching on whatever they don’t finish. And my “makeup routine” also only consists of chapstick. It just seems like way too much of a hassle to put makeup on every morning, coupled with the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing.
i have become a blend in some senses. i could generally care less about boyfriends and girly things. i only learned how to put on makeup because of theatre, so it’s something i do and my girlfriends have tried to help with the wardrobe. they still complain, but they’ve managed to get me out of wearing tshirts every day.
likes and dislikes change, so certain facets of us can ebb and flow, but i don’t think one day we wake up and were someone else.