In the Absence of Butterflies
Music: Wilco - Either Way
Health-wise, it’s always the worst coming back to school; no matter how well the custodians clean up, all of the unfamiliar germs end up getting clogged in my nose and I spend the first few weeks sniffling and blowing. So I am investing in an air purifier for my room that way I can rest in peace instead of reaching for the tissues every hour.
As you can tell I’m up early thanks to my stuffy nose or it could be the excitement for classes. My first one is at 9:45 and it’s the Sociology class that I’ve been looking forward to. I’m not sure how well I’ll fare in the beginning classes. It feels like my brain has melted from all the summer boredom and relaxation. Is it just me or does everyone have that awkward moment the first time you pick up a pencil after three months? My handwriting looks very sloppy and kindergarten-ish at first. I hope that doesn’t occur for too long because I want to do really well this semester. I’m babysitting for two families and I have a MWF PE class, along with Lit Review and the sexual assault awareness clubs I’m in. I think the busyness will keep my day structured and focused, and hopefully I can get some mindless fun in there somewhere.
What I don’t know how to manage is Sebastian.
After a failed attempt at long distance and a short 25 minute phone call in early August after not speaking for a month, his recent behavior is throwing me for a loop. On Monday night I was a tipsy and was running to meet a friend at his dorm room. The moment I opened the door to the hallway, Sebastian opened his door to leave his room and I nearly fell over at the sight of him. We didn’t move for a moment, just looked at each other for awhile, like a standoff in those Western movies. Then without even stammering he said “Christine, I knew I missed you but I didn’t know how much until now. Right now.” I didn’t even try to play coy. I just ran over and gave him the biggest hug.
I didn’t want to take up all his time because he had just got to campus and I’m sure he wanted to see his friends, but he wouldn’t let me go. We walked around for hours talking and apologizing to each other for not being more present this summer. He kept looking at me and saying how much he thought about me, and I couldn’t help but smile the whole time. Since then we’ve fallen back into our same routine. I wouldn’t say it’s steering towards a relationship because I’m not sure I’ll ever let it get to that point. I just love how when we’re with each other it’s like the whole world falls away but we still have our own lives and don’t need to call and text each other every minute.
I’m not sure what to make of it. I like the familiarity, I like lying next to him and everything, but the butterflies aren’t really flying right now. I think the summer has left me disenchanted. It just makes me think what’s the point? Even if we stay together all year does that mean next summer we’ll be better at making the long distance work? Or will we just let it die again? I don’t think I want to go on that rollercoaster another time. For now I’m just going to enjoy his company and hope for things to start fluttering again.
This is an incredibly interesting idea to me. It’s something I think about a lot. And your title is lovely. I hope that you keep this in mind for a title because it could be a very good one for a novel or a collection of short stories. Perhaps a song… but it evokes prose to me.