The Freshman Experiment

Music: None

This isn’t going to be the best final post only because I haven’t been feeling that great past week. I’ve been patiently waiting to feel settled in but it hasn’t happened yet. I miss my freshman dorm and the family that was created last year, and something is missing right now. Ever since the summer I feel like my whole world has been jolted and shaken up. Home didn’t feel like home and I was hoping that LAC would. I just cannot get used to this new room and not seeing the faces I did last year. TK lives on the other side of campus and the DeniseGirls have all jumped back into their lives here without any trouble.

Yesterday I talked to Wishy on the phone for a little while. I think he’s really happy that he transferred and after a few minutes I grew jealous of his position. In a sense, he’s having his freshman year over again, except he’s experiencing it in the city and not the secluded bubble that can be LAC. He’s gets to meet so many different people every day, but it can be a struggle to find new and interesting company here. It’s not that I’ve settled for my friends because they are amazing, it just took lots of time and effort to find those people. I think it’s good that FreshX is closing because the tone of this blog and my new blog will certainly be different. I’m not exactly as happy here as I was last year and I can’t put my finger on why.

Yesterday I also ended things with Sebastian. Well, it was mutual, I think. It wasn’t as electric and fun between us, and my heart wasn’t in it. Granted, we’ve only been back a week but I felt an emptiness the moment after we saw each other for the first time. Boys have never been on my radar but they aren’t even in my visual field now. I want to be alone, not necessarily lonely, but by myself.

Well, it’s time to put a face to this blog. I just wish it were a happier one.

My name is Carla and I’m 19 years old. I go to college in New England.

I am so grateful to Kait and Brian for allowing me to document my first year at college. When I look at the older posts I cringe and laugh and wonder what the hell was I thinking? Mostly though as I page through the entries I’m hit with an urge to just go back and relive it all.

I know I said I’d be writing at my new blog but considering how I’m feeling right now I think I need to take a little break from online journaling. I need that feeling of “home” to sink in again before I can write, so I’ll hold off on announcing the new URL. Sometime in the near future I’ll ask Kait or Brian to tell you guys that I’m blogging again, but until then I’m gonna wait for this feeling of disorientation to fall away.

Music: Wilco – Either Way

Health-wise, it’s always the worst coming back to school; no matter how well the custodians clean up, all of the unfamiliar germs end up getting clogged in my nose and I spend the first few weeks sniffling and blowing. So I am investing in an air purifier for my room that way I can rest in peace instead of reaching for the tissues every hour.

As you can tell I’m up early thanks to my stuffy nose or it could be the excitement for classes. My first one is at 9:45 and it’s the Sociology class that I’ve been looking forward to. I’m not sure how well I’ll fare in the beginning classes. It feels like my brain has melted from all the summer boredom and relaxation. Is it just me or does everyone have that awkward moment the first time you pick up a pencil after three months? My handwriting looks very sloppy and kindergarten-ish at first. I hope that doesn’t occur for too long because I want to do really well this semester. I’m babysitting for two families and I have a MWF PE class, along with Lit Review and the sexual assault awareness clubs I’m in. I think the busyness will keep my day structured and focused, and hopefully I can get some mindless fun in there somewhere.

What I don’t know how to manage is Sebastian.

After a failed attempt at long distance and a short 25 minute phone call in early August after not speaking for a month, his recent behavior is throwing me for a loop. On Monday night I was a tipsy and was running to meet a friend at his dorm room. The moment I opened the door to the hallway, Sebastian opened his door to leave his room and I nearly fell over at the sight of him. We didn’t move for a moment, just looked at each other for awhile, like a standoff in those Western movies. Then without even stammering he said “Christine, I knew I missed you but I didn’t know how much until now. Right now.” I didn’t even try to play coy. I just ran over and gave him the biggest hug.

I didn’t want to take up all his time because he had just got to campus and I’m sure he wanted to see his friends, but he wouldn’t let me go. We walked around for hours talking and apologizing to each other for not being more present this summer. He kept looking at me and saying how much he thought about me, and I couldn’t help but smile the whole time. Since then we’ve fallen back into our same routine. I wouldn’t say it’s steering towards a relationship because I’m not sure I’ll ever let it get to that point. I just love how when we’re with each other it’s like the whole world falls away but we still have our own lives and don’t need to call and text each other every minute.

I’m not sure what to make of it. I like the familiarity, I like lying next to him and everything, but the butterflies aren’t really flying right now. I think the summer has left me disenchanted. It just makes me think what’s the point? Even if we stay together all year does that mean next summer we’ll be better at making the long distance work? Or will we just let it die again? I don’t think I want to go on that rollercoaster another time. For now I’m just going to enjoy his company and hope for things to start fluttering again.

Music: Gavin Degraw – Chariot

This Thursday I’ll be sitting in a classroom and officially be considered a sophomore at this school. What does this mean for me? Well, technically I should know my way around campus really well but I still got a little lost today. But the most obvious conclusion is that I am no longer a freshman and, thus this site, its purposes, and of course, the name no longer applies to me.

When Kait and Brian approached me with the project my initial reaction was “What the hell are they thinking?” Sure, I write short stories every now and again, but a blog – where my life is the central focus! They were obviously sippin’ on 40z when they came up with this idea. I told them over and over that I’m boring, uninteresting, and that I wouldn’t know what to write. They curtailed my nervousness by putting unwavering trust in what they believed I could do, especially Brian, whose only experience with my “talent” was watching me read/perform a short monologue I had written in middle school. So, they may not think it, but they definitely took a leap of faith on me.

As I began writing I was anxious about many things – how would we get traffic? What should I write that will be good material for a song? But mostly, I was afraid of what the readers would think of me. Here I was, offering up snippets of my life, not everything, but certainly personal snapshots that could be used against me. None of you did that, and I sincerely want to thank all of you for being open and accepting. You guys never judged me for my drunken antics, boy drama, and amazing talent for procrastination. Although, I could’ve used a slap down to reality during the Wishy situation.

The amount of stress that LAC creates is expected but still incredibly hard to handle. It’s a school whose prestige is pretty unknown unless you religiously read U.S. News Rankings and live somewhere on the east coast. I needed this blog to help handle all of that and put certain situations in perspective. In the end, Kait and Brian were right; I am somewhat of a good blogger. I like expressing myself in this medium and so even though FreshX has to close, I’ll be moving to a new URL.

That’s right, guys. Hopefully by Friday I’ll have my new blog up and running. Admittedly, it won’t be as fancy shmancy as this one, but I think we’ll all be able to manage the downgrade. The other noted difference is that I won’t be writing under a pseudo name. I’ve thought about it a lot and revealing my identity feels like the best thing to do. It will give me more freedom to write and, I think, it’ll be a better read for you guys. Another surprise is that Kait and Brian will still be present at the new blog but the logistics of that still need to be worked out. I hope you guys will follow me there!

Well, there it is. The summer and FreshX are coming to a close. I’ll continue writing here until Friday!

Music: Wilco – On and On and On

Sorry for my last two entries lacking in substance, I just haven’t had a moment to breathe. It took about six hours to drive up here because (although my mom insists we didn’t) we got a little lost on the highway. Anyway, once I pulled up to LAC all the excitement that was brewing in my stomach completely dissipated. For some reason I wasn’t anxious to get back nor was bitter about it. I just wanted to throw my blanket on my bed and take a nap. It’s been really strange thinking of this room as my new home for a year. Every time I walk in I’m expecting to see the same layout of my freshman dorm. However, there is more space and the ceilings are really high so it opens up the room a lot more. My only main complaint, besides the less than stellar floormates, is that it’s on the third floor so it’s an actual hike to my room; carrying my bags up the flights of stairs was a bitch and took me forever.

I did succeed in decorating my room and making it more comfortable than last year. I have about a million pictures of my friends and family, and my bed is literally a cloud thanks to a foam mattress pad. The only thing I need is more posters and possibly a shoe rack. I forgot that bringing 40 pairs of shoes to school was probably a horrible idea. They’re hiding underneath my bed right now.

Well, the DeniseGirls have all made it to campus. I ran into The Jock’s room when I found out she was here and knocked her over with a hug. I missed everyone, but I missed The Jock so much, it actually hurt. I nearly cried from relief when I saw her. It’s so great how we’ve all just fallen back into last year, like these three months without each other passed by in a minute. I love these girls with everything, and it’s ridiculous to think that they’ve only been in my life for a year! Tonight I’m going to party with them and laugh and enjoy myself.

P.S. Sebastian and *drumroll* WISHY have both come back into my life in big ways. I can’t deal with it.

Music: Sugababes – Freak Like Me

Classes haven’t started. Security is off for the week. So, general drunk debauchery has already begun.