I wish I could describe exactly what I’ve learned in these last two weeks. My view of acting and theatre and just people in general has shifted so greatly since the start of this program that it’s pretty unbelievable, even to me. First of all, actors work so hard, it’s ridiculous. For a while now, I’ve had this crazy notion in my head that acting is simply going onstage and pretending. In a way, I guess that’s what it is, but I’d forgotten about all the preparation that comes before that: the multiple readings of the play, the “scoring” of the script, the discovery of character and physicality, the voice work, the exploration of the words, which lead to phrases, which lead to speeches. And then, once you’ve done all that and actually get to rehearse with a partner, it’s even more challenging. I hadn’t realized until this week how hard it is to just listen and be real with another person in front of an audience. It seems like it would be the most natural thing, but it takes such constant focus and energy, I’m completely exhausted after a scene that’s only a few pages long. So to those actors who are doing this shit 8 times a week, I truly admire you. I only hope that one day I can have the skills and talent necessary to join you.
And that’s just the acting. Everyone’s bodies are sore from all the dancing and everyone is always glistening with sweat (to say it politely). Everyone is constantly struggling to memorize song lyrics, finish their music theory homework, find 16-bar cuts of audition songs. We seem to have reached the point in the program where everyone is teetering on a chasm between having a major breakthrough and having a major breakdown. Students were bursting into tears all week because people are really putting everything they have into their work. And amazing things are coming out of it. I love watching my classmates perform. I find that when their doing their scenes and singing their songs, I can’t stop smiling. And that’s something that I consider a breakthrough for me, because a few years ago, I couldn’t watch other performers without getting jealous. I love each of the 13 people that I have my classes with and they all have something brilliant and special about them. Our group has become fast friends and we all hang out outside of the program, too. The kids who have become my closest friends are wonderful. Most of them are international (Australia, England, Argentina) and I love it. They’re all bringing such interesting perspectives from the world. Unfortunately, though, this means that they want to do lots of fun things here all the time, and sometimes it’s hard to resist and I find myself spending lots of money. It’s bad.
I know this description of my time thus far sounds pretty cheesy and happy-go-lucky, but I’m just really excited about what I’m learning. No, not everyone is super talented and there are lots of people that I can’t realistically see making it as actors. There are days when I’m convinced that I’m untalented and going nowhere and want to give up. But these setbacks only make the good moments feel even better. So much better. I can’t wait for what’s coming in these next few weeks. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this alive.
Oh my god, I’m so tired. And that is basically the thought that has consumed my mind every night since I began my musical theater program last week. It is intense, that is for certain. Today I didn’t get home until 9:30 (I had to stay after to rehearse a scene for class). Not only are the hours of dance (tap, ballet, jazz) and singing physically exhausting, but everyday is a mental and emotional battle as I try to realistically evaluate what my “type” is and if there’s any place for me in this crazy business of performance. As far as the people go, it’s sort of a mixed bag. There aren’t that many great straight actors, but there are a lot of very, very strong voices. I seem to be about in the middle, which doesn’t seem like the worst place to be. I guess it gives me something to work towards. I’m trying to make some friends, although it can be surprisingly difficult to get to know people. There’s a girl from PU who I worked with in the spring and we’ve been kind of clinging to each other. But I’m trying to branch out and most people seem really nice. Maybe I’ll hang out with them sometime…when I’m not in class…or doing work for class…or resting my body that is weary from class…
Or maybe I’ll just try to use every spare minute for napping, because there are still 5 more weeks to go. I went home for the 4th of July weekend, and now I’m homesick. I was finally starting to get used to living alone, but now I crave constant visitors from home. Luckily, a bunch of my family comes two weekends from now. And I’m going to a concert this week with one of the UG’s. I’m just trying to cling onto the familiar things in life to keep from going crazy from all the theater kids and ego-crushing.
P.S. I have to kiss a scene partner and that is definitely a field in which I am out of practice. I’m hoping it’s like riding a bike, right?
Internet! At last!
Sorry, readers, my wireless has been unreliable this week (to say the least), and it’s been keeping me from loading my posts. So here’s a blog from Sunday that I can finally share with y’all:
Sunday, June 22, 2008—2:15 am
My first night in my summer apartment. My divorced parents and I all drove here in the same car (surprisingly painless) and the actual unpacking and moving in was perhaps the most efficient that I’ve ever been a part of. My mom has always had this weird super power for putting everything in its proper place and making it feel like home… and all in like 15 minutes flat. The rest of the afternoon was spent doing various errands: drug store, grocery store, hardware store. They were tedious but at least we got to spend some time together. And of course there was enough time in the afternoon for me to have a panic attack/nervous breakdown. Mom and I made dinner together in my new tiny kitchen before she left and the whole thing just felt so overwhelming. I just kept repeating over and over again, “I can’t do this.” And I’m still pretty sure it’s true. I don’t know how to be an independent human being. I just don’t. I wish it didn’t freak me out to think about doing the most banal things on my own, but it does. I don’t know how to cook, I don’t know how to clean, I don’t know how to get around. Why does it seem that everyone I know is capable of being an adult (or at least acting like one) except me?
So here I am, lying in bed, and I can’t sleep because I have terrible stomach cramps. It’s nerves. I can tell because it feels the same as the pit that was in my stomach on the first night of college. Only this time there’s no one else around to share in my panic. Plus, the lack of working internet and television isn’t helping. Hopefully when my musical theater program starts in a week, it will take my mind off of home and my friends. Or it could just make me even more overwhelmed with the added problem of having to meet 100 new people who will all most likely be cooler and more talented than me. I guess we’ll have to see. All I can worry about for now is trying to get to sleep. First nights are always the hardest, right?
What has happened to me? I’ve only been away from school for a month, and yet I have forgotten many key elements of functioning. Examples? Reading, writing, speaking, and thinking, for starters. I seriously think my mind has turned to mush. I don’t know how it happened, but I just feel that in the last few weeks, my IQ has definitely decreased. I’m thinking that possible reasons could be: a massive increase in the amount of reality television in my life, a massive increase in the amount of junk food flowing through my blood, a massive decrease in the amount og people to carry on actual conversations with on a daily basis. I can’t pinpoint the exact cause (autopsy may be necessary), but it’s freaking me out. Big time. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else is experiencing this. Is this normal? Will I be able to function like an intelligent (or at least normal) human being once again? Please, people, tell me I’m not alone here. Or at least help me come up with an official name for my self-diagnosis.
SSS: Sudden Stupidity Syndrome?
Other suggestions or ideas for cures? I tried reading, but my body nearly went into multi-organ failure.
Now, something has changed. (5)
And it seems I’ve lost a friend. (7)
Where has my brain gone? (5)
It’s 3am, and try as a might to fall asleep, I can’t because there is some sort of yelping cat or rabbit outside my window.
Sometimes I hate wildlife.
P.S. Since when do cats and rabbits yelp?
P.P.S Can cats or rabbits really be considered wildlife? Because I’m doing it.