The Freshman Experiment

So in the last two weeks since I’ve arrived back at school and regained internet access (long story short—a broken pipe moved my family into a hotel for the month of August), I’ve been thinking of what I should post on here. I wanted to write something of great depth about what I’ve learned in the last year. Which got me walking down the road of introspection. Seriously, though. Being back at PU has made me start thinking about things that I’ve discovered about myself, and many of these things made me understand why this blog has not worked out for me. Because let’s be honest, it hasn’t. Thus, I have made a list. The following is not meant to be self-deprecating or a cry for pity, simply observations about myself. And I hope you’ll believe me when I say that a lot of thought truly went into this.

Here we go.

THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY I SHOULD NOT BE A BLOGGER. EVER.

1.    I have a procrastination problem.
Why is it that I cannot do work? Sometimes, I am physically incapable of doing even the smallest, simplest task. For example, right now I’m waiting for my laundry to be done drying. Do you know how long I’ve put off doing my laundry for? TWO WEEKS! I finally got down to my last pair of underwear today and I almost went out to buy more. But then I was ashamed and forced myself to do it. It was definitely not easy. But seriously, I don’t understand how my procrastination can be possible. I know it’s college and 90% of the student population shares my burden, but I really hate it. I want to change but, guess what—-I keep putting it off.

2.    I take on way too much responsibility and overload myself.
When I was packing up my room at the end of last year, I looked back on all of the programs from shows I had done, all my class syllabi, all of my event flyers. Was it all truly necessary? I have to wonder. Why did no one last semester say, “Hey PosterChild, maybe you should take a step back and realize that it might not be completely healthy to take six classes and be in three shows and pretend your life is normal.” Why do I like having days where there is not a single free moment to sit down? It’s like some kind of terrible drug but I love it. I just got cast as a huge part in a musical and I’m trying out for another show. I can’t be controlled. Y’all should see my ICal from last semester. It’s sick…in a bad way.

3.    I’m lazy.
I mean, I won’t beat around the bush. I can be pretty fucking lazy when I want to be. Which is more often than is ideal. I have a strange, undeniable love for sitting around, watching useless TV. Yes, that’s right. So sometimes, I have the time to do my work or to post an entry, but I’m simply too lazy to do it. That’s all I can say about that.

4.    College is a lot harder than I expected, even now.
When my older friends would talk to me about their college schedules and workload, for some reason, I couldn’t help thinking that I would be an exception to the norm—college would be easy for me. I imagined that, with the proper time management and organization, I would get all my assignments done on time, go to every class, and have a perfect GPA. And last year, when that obviously did not happen, it made me very concerned and upset. I didn’t fail, by any means. But I’ve only just begun to realize that it is impossible not to struggle in college, at least for me. The work is really hard. And there’s a lot of it. I read essays and I don’t completely understand what they mean. I sit in class and sometimes my classmates use words that I don’t know the definition of. I write papers and have NO CLUE what I’m supposed to be talking about. College is hard, even if I don’t want it to be, and I’m finally starting to surrender to that truth in order to figure out how to manage all the reading.

5.    I’m almost incapable of doing things that I don’t love.
I suppose this relates back to the procrastination problem (#1), but I’ve found that my inability to do certain tasks (some assignments, blog posting) has much deeper roots than that. I had a major crisis last year where all of the sudden, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life anymore. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be an actor or could do that even if I did want it—I thought I might want to go to law school. No. But now that I’ve truly solidified what my passions are (although there are multiple, varied things that I completely love doing), I find that I just really hate doing things that don’t directly relate to those passions. For the past few months, all I’ve wanted to do is sit around, read plays, act in shows, analyze literature, watch amazing movies, and make music. And when people want me to do things that don’t fall into these categories (or close to them), sometimes I get mad. It’s very childish, but it happens. And I really need to find a way around this, because I know that I’m going to have to do lots of things in my life that I’m not crazy about.

6.    TV on DVD.
‘Nuff said, right? Because if you think that I don’t need to watch the complete Gilmore Girls series again, you’re incorrect.

7.    After 4 years, I’m pretty certain that I’m never going to fix my sleep problems.
No matter how much I want to believe it is, getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night is not normal. Or healthy. But I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so many different regiments, everyone’s advice, I’ve even taken sleep medication. Nothing has worked for me so far and I’ve now moved on to struggling to stay healthy and happy despite my insomnia. I’m still hopefully that one day things will get better, though. I have a sneaky suspicion (mostly based on my mom’s experience) that I might grow out of it. Plllllease.

8.    I am so desperate to make friends that I will dismiss prior commitments and responsibilities for them.
This was more of an issue last year when I was trying to make friends and find a “group.” But honestly, I still find that whenever my friends want to do something (which is almost always), I find it very easy to blow off work for them. Even when we’re doing work together, we don’t get much accomplished. In the end, years from now when I look back at my college experience, I have a feeling that this time we spent together will matter more than my responsibilities anyway, but it’s still not a good thing. I can’t help it though—my friends are wonderfully amazing, brilliant, talented, hilarious people. I can’t keep myself away from them.

9.    I’m flaky.
If the entire population had to vote on “Flakiest Person Ever,” I certainly wouldn’t win, but this is definitely something I’ve learned about myself in the last year. Sometimes I don’t return phone calls or emails, or do things precisely when I say I will. I don’t do it intentionally or maliciously at all. But it’s really bad and it hurts people. This is a huge thing on this list that I want to make a conscious effort to work on this year. It’s unacceptable and let this be considered a formal apology to anyone who may be reading this who I have ever appeared to blow off or ignore or mistreat. I never mean to hurt people, ever. And I’m serious about that.

10.    I hate talking about myself.
I really do. I love getting to know people and letting them learn about me while I learn about them, but I absolutely hate just talking about myself. I find it embarrassing, and gratuitous, and self-indulgent, and boring. And I’m pretty bad at it when it comes to the really important stuff. To be completely honest with all of you, I had something really big and scary happen to me last year involving my family. I never wrote about it on the blog. I never alluded to it. Hardly any of my friends here know about it. I consider Kait an extremely close friend of mine and I didn’t even tell her until a few weeks ago. I’m an eloquent and moving speaker but, often, I’m incapable of sharing the things about myself that are most important. I don’t know if that’s because I’m afraid of being hurt or judged or disliked, but although I’m a very outgoing person, I find it almost impossible to let people see all of me just how I am.

Which I guess leads me to #11 (yes, I know I said 10 but…)

11.    I don’t even know who I am.
I was the girl in high school who knew exactly who she was and what she stood for. And everyone else knew it, too. All my friends said I would love college, that I would finally be appreciated for the wonderful person I am, that people would truly understand me. But I am the opposite of the person who goes to college and finds herself. I am more fucking lost than ever. And finally, after a year, I’m able to say it. I don’t know who I am. I don’t. I sometimes know what I believe but periodically I talk about issues that I used to have very adamant views about and now I don’t. I’m trying to look at it as a good thing—I’m more open-minded than I was before (which I didn’t think was possible) and I’m ready to learn from life.

But I’m scared. I’m thinking about the future and I’m crying right now because I’m just so scared.

Finally after a year, though, I’m able to say I’m scared and not feel bad about it, or be embarrassed, or feel like an outcast. So, I guess we can call that a victory. A big one, in fact.

I wish I could describe exactly what I’ve learned in these last two weeks. My view of acting and theatre and just people in general has shifted so greatly since the start of this program that it’s pretty unbelievable, even to me. First of all, actors work so hard, it’s ridiculous. For a while now, I’ve had this crazy notion in my head that acting is simply going onstage and pretending. In a way, I guess that’s what it is, but I’d forgotten about all the preparation that comes before that: the multiple readings of the play, the “scoring” of the script, the discovery of character and physicality, the voice work, the exploration of the words, which lead to phrases, which lead to speeches. And then, once you’ve done all that and actually get to rehearse with a partner, it’s even more challenging. I hadn’t realized until this week how hard it is to just listen and be real with another person in front of an audience. It seems like it would be the most natural thing, but it takes such constant focus and energy, I’m completely exhausted after a scene that’s only a few pages long. So to those actors who are doing this shit 8 times a week, I truly admire you. I only hope that one day I can have the skills and talent necessary to join you.

And that’s just the acting. Everyone’s bodies are sore from all the dancing and everyone is always glistening with sweat (to say it politely). Everyone is constantly struggling to memorize song lyrics, finish their music theory homework, find 16-bar cuts of audition songs. We seem to have reached the point in the program where everyone is teetering on a chasm between having a major breakthrough and having a major breakdown. Students were bursting into tears all week because people are really putting everything they have into their work. And amazing things are coming out of it. I love watching my classmates perform. I find that when their doing their scenes and singing their songs, I can’t stop smiling. And that’s something that I consider a breakthrough for me, because a few years ago, I couldn’t watch other performers without getting jealous. I love each of the 13 people that I have my classes with and they all have something brilliant and special about them. Our group has become fast friends and we all hang out outside of the program, too. The kids who have become my closest friends are wonderful. Most of them are international (Australia, England, Argentina) and I love it. They’re all bringing such interesting perspectives from the world. Unfortunately, though, this means that they want to do lots of fun things here all the time, and sometimes it’s hard to resist and I find myself spending lots of money. It’s bad.

I know this description of my time thus far sounds pretty cheesy and happy-go-lucky, but I’m just really excited about what I’m learning. No, not everyone is super talented and there are lots of people that I can’t realistically see making it as actors. There are days when I’m convinced that I’m untalented and going nowhere and want to give up. But these setbacks only make the good moments feel even better. So much better. I can’t wait for what’s coming in these next few weeks. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this alive.

Oh my god, I’m so tired. And that is basically the thought that has consumed my mind every night since I began my musical theater program last week. It is intense, that is for certain. Today I didn’t get home until 9:30 (I had to stay after to rehearse a scene for class). Not only are the hours of dance (tap, ballet, jazz) and singing physically exhausting, but everyday is a mental and emotional battle as I try to realistically evaluate what my “type” is and if there’s any place for me in this crazy business of performance. As far as the people go, it’s sort of a mixed bag. There aren’t that many great straight actors, but there are a lot of very, very strong voices. I seem to be about in the middle, which doesn’t seem like the worst place to be. I guess it gives me something to work towards. I’m trying to make some friends, although it can be surprisingly difficult to get to know people. There’s a girl from PU who I worked with in the spring and we’ve been kind of clinging to each other. But I’m trying to branch out and most people seem really nice. Maybe I’ll hang out with them sometime…when I’m not in class…or doing work for class…or resting my body that is weary from class…

Or maybe I’ll just try to use every spare minute for napping, because there are still 5 more weeks to go. I went home for the 4th of July weekend, and now I’m homesick. I was finally starting to get used to living alone, but now I crave constant visitors from home. Luckily, a bunch of my family comes two weekends from now. And I’m going to a concert this week with one of the UG’s. I’m just trying to cling onto the familiar things in life to keep from going crazy from all the theater kids and ego-crushing.

P.S. I have to kiss a scene partner and that is definitely a field in which I am out of practice. I’m hoping it’s like riding a bike, right?

Internet! At last!

Sorry, readers, my wireless has been unreliable this week (to say the least), and it’s been keeping me from loading my posts. So here’s a blog from Sunday that I can finally share with y’all:

Sunday, June 22, 2008—2:15 am

My first night in my summer apartment. My divorced parents and I all drove here in the same car (surprisingly painless) and the actual unpacking and moving in was perhaps the most efficient that I’ve ever been a part of. My mom has always had this weird super power for putting everything in its proper place and making it feel like home… and all in like 15 minutes flat. The rest of the afternoon was spent doing various errands: drug store, grocery store, hardware store. They were tedious but at least we got to spend some time together. And of course there was enough time in the afternoon for me to have a panic attack/nervous breakdown. Mom and I made dinner together in my new tiny kitchen before she left and the whole thing just felt so overwhelming. I just kept repeating over and over again, “I can’t do this.” And I’m still pretty sure it’s true. I don’t know how to be an independent human being. I just don’t. I wish it didn’t freak me out to think about doing the most banal things on my own, but it does. I don’t know how to cook, I don’t know how to clean, I don’t know how to get around. Why does it seem that everyone I know is capable of being an adult (or at least acting like one) except me?

So here I am, lying in bed, and I can’t sleep because I have terrible stomach cramps. It’s nerves. I can tell because it feels the same as the pit that was in my stomach on the first night of college. Only this time there’s no one else around to share in my panic. Plus, the lack of working internet and television isn’t helping. Hopefully when my musical theater program starts in a week, it will take my mind off of home and my friends. Or it could just make me even more overwhelmed with the added problem of having to meet 100 new people who will all most likely be cooler and more talented than me. I guess we’ll have to see. All I can worry about for now is trying to get to sleep. First nights are always the hardest, right?

What has happened to me? I’ve only been away from school for a month, and yet I have forgotten many key elements of functioning. Examples? Reading, writing, speaking, and thinking, for starters. I seriously think my mind has turned to mush. I don’t know how it happened, but I just feel that in the last few weeks, my IQ has definitely decreased. I’m thinking that possible reasons could be: a massive increase in the amount of reality television in my life, a massive increase in the amount of junk food flowing through my blood, a massive decrease in the amount og people to carry on actual conversations with on a daily basis. I can’t pinpoint the exact cause (autopsy may be necessary), but it’s freaking me out. Big time. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else is experiencing this. Is this normal? Will I be able to function like an intelligent (or at least normal) human being once again? Please, people, tell me I’m not alone here. Or at least help me come up with an official name for my self-diagnosis.

SSS: Sudden Stupidity Syndrome?

Other suggestions or ideas for cures? I tried reading, but my body nearly went into multi-organ failure.

Now, something has changed. (5)
And it seems I’ve lost a friend. (7)
Where has my brain gone? (5)