The Freshman Experiment

So, because it’s the opening night of my show, and will therefore be a truly insane day, I’m attempting to do a 24-hour twitter post! It should be interesting, that’s for certain. As of right now, I can’t get it to work from my phone, which might make things difficult, but I’m starting using the web. So read away!

TWITTER!

Hurray—the first part of my hell is officially over! I just got home from a show (the first of the three different shows that I’m doing in three weeks). It was a one-night musical revue but we did two performances, one at 8pm and one at 11pm. The process for this show was really casual—I only had a couple of rehearsals for the numbers I was in and honestly I just wasn’t that invested in making this show great. However, tonight before the show, I started getting really, really nervous. One of the songs I sang was the first in the show and it’s one the most difficult things I’ve ever had to sing—I’ve never heard a song that’s faster or has more words. So many words. So many words that I could not remember. In fact, prior to the first show tonight, I had never remembered or recited them perfectly. But I did it right in the shows, so I guess the nerves worked! Even though this production didn’t require nearly as much effort as the other two that I’m involved with, I’m glad it’s over because at this point, any free moment I can get is heavenly. We are officially within one week of my directorial debut and I am freaking out. I know that all I need a really good, long, intense cry. I’m not sure exactly when it’s coming, but I’ve been feeling it accumulating for the last few days. Those around me– beware. There will be a freak out and it will be scary. I’m really happy with our show, though, and I think it has amazing potential. There’s one sort of problematic actor, but we’re dealing with it. I’m having another student director, a friend of mine, come watch our rehearsal tomorrow and I’m very excited to get feedback from her. At this point, I really need someone who’s not as emotional connected to the production as me to judge what we’re doing. Should be exciting…

Today I had an audition for another summer theatre program, and it was literally the most awkward audition I’ve ever had. Here are some highlights:

I walked around the building for maybe 10 minutes trying to figure out where to go to sign in. This is all while being observed by a handful of attractive 20-something males who were waiting for a class.

The cd that I brought to use in the audition with my piano accompaniment didn’t work. After the auditioner and I tried to figure it out for maybe 8 minutes, as well as the secretary trying, it was deemed hopeless and I had to sing a cappella.

Singing a cappella wouldn’t have been a problem if there had been any sort of piano or anything to get a starting note from. Unfortunately, there was nothing. Somehow I got incredibly lucky and chose the right key (or something very close). Otherwise, it could have been disastrous because my song goes very high and if I had chosen a key that was too high, it would have been ridiculous.

When I went to do my monologues, he asked me what the name of one of the characters was and even though I had done the monologue for months and had read the play numerous times, I completely blanked. EMBARRASSING.

The good news—I got in! I guess the auditioner had a weird love of awkward people because he accepted me on the spot. I’m incredibly happy because this was one of my top choices for summer programs. I still have another audition tomorrow and an interview on Monday, but I’m just really relived to know that I’ll be doing something I enjoy for the summer and I really think I can grow from this program.

Seriously, though. The most awkward hour of my life. And that is saying something.

As the weather grows warmer and spring begins to fill the air, a question continues to become more and more painfully pressing to me: where are all the frickin-frackin BOYS on this campus? Like, FOR REALS? Since being at school, I have met almost no boys that I would be interested in dating, and the few that have been acceptable haven’t seemed to be interested in me (or often, aren’t interested in girls at all). Am I simply looking in the wrong places? Tell me, where do people meet other normal, dateable people in college? Because I guess I don’t know.

Even if there were suddenly an abundance of boys who were dateable and who found me dateable (which I’m not expecting anytime soon), there probably isn’t any room in the old schedule for dating or canoodling or anything else of the sort. The semester keeps getting crazier and I’m hoping that I can make it through the next three weeks (and three shows) without my head exploding. The shows are all going really well though, which makes me hopeful. The musical I’m directing starts full runs tomorrow, which is really great considering we have two more weeks until opening night (I’ve rarely been in a show that starts running so early). This means that we can really start to work on character and theme and not focus so much on logistics which is extremely exciting.

Last week, I had an interview for a summer theatre program (a 10-week intensive at a conservatory) and they accepted me! Yay! Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m going to do it. This program seems to be aimed more at adults who are just beginning to act, and I think I’d rather be working with people of a similar or higher skill level, and have to push myself to raise up to the standard of their work. I have two more auditions for similar programs (but ones that I think will work for me a little better) next week and I third one that still needs to be scheduled. I’m nervous because, at this point, it’s pretty late in the year and if I don’t do one of these programs, I don’t know what opportunities are left for the summer. But I’m hopeful. I figure I’ve got a chance for one of the three, right?

So I suppose that’s the main theme of my life right now: trying to remain hopeful and not have my head explode. Peppy, right?

Tuesday, March 25-

My mom is married. It’s official. They went to a judge today and got the certificate. There was no wedding: no white dress, no hundred-layer cake, no rice. My friends kept giving me looks saying, “you are the worst daughter ever,” when I could tell them that my mom got married and when they asked me if I went, I calmly said “no.” My mother specifically told my bother and I not to come, so we didn’t. Apparently, it took under 5 minutes, so it seemed I made the right decision not the come home from college, but this unfortunately meant that they didn’t even get a photo of the occasion (my one request). The night before, though, as we were talking on the phone, my mom said something that really inspired me. I said to her, “aren’t you scared?” and she told me bluntly, “Posterchild, at my age, there’s nothing left to be scared of.”

So now I have a stepfather. It’s been surprisingly difficult to make the transition from referring to him as “my mom’s boyfriend” to “my stepdad.” I never dreamed of my parents getting back together. I never had that childhood fantasy. My parents didn’t get divorced until I was in high school, and by the time it all happened, I was old enough to know about people and to know that those two people do not belong together. So this marriage was in no way jarring and upsetting because it was crushing those weird dreams I was harboring. But, I have to admit, Tuesday afternoon I was feeling pretty weird. I would never want my mom to be lonely, especially now that I’m away at school, but part of me will always long for the days of just the two of us, lying on the couch together, eating cereal for dinner. I guess it really is time to move on.

Congratulations, Mom.

Music: Nico- “These Days”

I love the train. It doesn’t matter what I’m going or how long it’s taking or who’s sitting next to me. Just give me a train… and preferably a window seat. As I sat on the ride home today, I switched on my ipod, watched the passing landscape, and started thinking.

Five years ago.

I guess this reflection started when I was thinking about this year and how quickly it’s going by. Soon enough, I’ll be done with ¼ of college, and I can’t help but wonder, did high school pass this quickly?

Five years ago, everything was completely different. Seriously. My parents were still together, which means neither of their significant others had entered my world. We were living in our old house, on our old street. I had started acting, but was nowhere as close to as serious about it as I am now; in fact, I was still in my athletic phase. I don’t even know who my group of friends was. I had never kissed a boy. I had yet to be diagnosed with depression. I was just a different person and I don’t know who it was, but it wasn’t me.

So here’s the question: five years from now, will things that seem so difficult now seem simple and easy in retrospect? As time continues to pass, will I become more myself, or will I become someone new again? Will life be completely different?

Things may not be perfect right now, and I may not be perfect, but I like who I am. I don’t want to lose this person completely. Because God knows I have no idea where that person from five years ago disappeared to.