Here we go.

THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY I SHOULD NOT BE A BLOGGER. EVER.

1.    I have a procrastination problem.
Why is it that I cannot do work? Sometimes, I am physically incapable of doing even the smallest, simplest task. For example, right now I’m waiting for my laundry to be done drying. Do you know how long I’ve put off doing my laundry for? TWO WEEKS! I finally got down to my last pair of underwear today and I almost went out to buy more. But then I was ashamed and forced myself to do it. It was definitely not easy. But seriously, I don’t understand how my procrastination can be possible. I know it’s college and 90% of the student population shares my burden, but I really hate it. I want to change but, guess what—-I keep putting it off.

2.    I take on way too much responsibility and overload myself.
When I was packing up my room at the end of last year, I looked back on all of the programs from shows I had done, all my class syllabi, all of my event flyers. Was it all truly necessary? I have to wonder. Why did no one last semester say, “Hey PosterChild, maybe you should take a step back and realize that it might not be completely healthy to take six classes and be in three shows and pretend your life is normal.” Why do I like having days where there is not a single free moment to sit down? It’s like some kind of terrible drug but I love it. I just got cast as a huge part in a musical and I’m trying out for another show. I can’t be controlled. Y’all should see my ICal from last semester. It’s sick…in a bad way.

3.    I’m lazy.
I mean, I won’t beat around the bush. I can be pretty fucking lazy when I want to be. Which is more often than is ideal. I have a strange, undeniable love for sitting around, watching useless TV. Yes, that’s right. So sometimes, I have the time to do my work or to post an entry, but I’m simply too lazy to do it. That’s all I can say about that.

4.    College is a lot harder than I expected, even now.
When my older friends would talk to me about their college schedules and workload, for some reason, I couldn’t help thinking that I would be an exception to the norm—college would be easy for me. I imagined that, with the proper time management and organization, I would get all my assignments done on time, go to every class, and have a perfect GPA. And last year, when that obviously did not happen, it made me very concerned and upset. I didn’t fail, by any means. But I’ve only just begun to realize that it is impossible not to struggle in college, at least for me. The work is really hard. And there’s a lot of it. I read essays and I don’t completely understand what they mean. I sit in class and sometimes my classmates use words that I don’t know the definition of. I write papers and have NO CLUE what I’m supposed to be talking about. College is hard, even if I don’t want it to be, and I’m finally starting to surrender to that truth in order to figure out how to manage all the reading.

5.    I’m almost incapable of doing things that I don’t love.
I suppose this relates back to the procrastination problem (#1), but I’ve found that my inability to do certain tasks (some assignments, blog posting) has much deeper roots than that. I had a major crisis last year where all of the sudden, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life anymore. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be an actor or could do that even if I did want it—I thought I might want to go to law school. No. But now that I’ve truly solidified what my passions are (although there are multiple, varied things that I completely love doing), I find that I just really hate doing things that don’t directly relate to those passions. For the past few months, all I’ve wanted to do is sit around, read plays, act in shows, analyze literature, watch amazing movies, and make music. And when people want me to do things that don’t fall into these categories (or close to them), sometimes I get mad. It’s very childish, but it happens. And I really need to find a way around this, because I know that I’m going to have to do lots of things in my life that I’m not crazy about.

6.    TV on DVD.
‘Nuff said, right? Because if you think that I don’t need to watch the complete Gilmore Girls series again, you’re incorrect.

7.    After 4 years, I’m pretty certain that I’m never going to fix my sleep problems.
No matter how much I want to believe it is, getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night is not normal. Or healthy. But I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so many different regiments, everyone’s advice, I’ve even taken sleep medication. Nothing has worked for me so far and I’ve now moved on to struggling to stay healthy and happy despite my insomnia. I’m still hopefully that one day things will get better, though. I have a sneaky suspicion (mostly based on my mom’s experience) that I might grow out of it. Plllllease.

8.    I am so desperate to make friends that I will dismiss prior commitments and responsibilities for them.
This was more of an issue last year when I was trying to make friends and find a “group.” But honestly, I still find that whenever my friends want to do something (which is almost always), I find it very easy to blow off work for them. Even when we’re doing work together, we don’t get much accomplished. In the end, years from now when I look back at my college experience, I have a feeling that this time we spent together will matter more than my responsibilities anyway, but it’s still not a good thing. I can’t help it though—my friends are wonderfully amazing, brilliant, talented, hilarious people. I can’t keep myself away from them.

9.    I’m flaky.
If the entire population had to vote on “Flakiest Person Ever,” I certainly wouldn’t win, but this is definitely something I’ve learned about myself in the last year. Sometimes I don’t return phone calls or emails, or do things precisely when I say I will. I don’t do it intentionally or maliciously at all. But it’s really bad and it hurts people. This is a huge thing on this list that I want to make a conscious effort to work on this year. It’s unacceptable and let this be considered a formal apology to anyone who may be reading this who I have ever appeared to blow off or ignore or mistreat. I never mean to hurt people, ever. And I’m serious about that.

10.    I hate talking about myself.
I really do. I love getting to know people and letting them learn about me while I learn about them, but I absolutely hate just talking about myself. I find it embarrassing, and gratuitous, and self-indulgent, and boring. And I’m pretty bad at it when it comes to the really important stuff. To be completely honest with all of you, I had something really big and scary happen to me last year involving my family. I never wrote about it on the blog. I never alluded to it. Hardly any of my friends here know about it. I consider Kait an extremely close friend of mine and I didn’t even tell her until a few weeks ago. I’m an eloquent and moving speaker but, often, I’m incapable of sharing the things about myself that are most important. I don’t know if that’s because I’m afraid of being hurt or judged or disliked, but although I’m a very outgoing person, I find it almost impossible to let people see all of me just how I am.

Which I guess leads me to #11 (yes, I know I said 10 but…)

11.    I don’t even know who I am.
I was the girl in high school who knew exactly who she was and what she stood for. And everyone else knew it, too. All my friends said I would love college, that I would finally be appreciated for the wonderful person I am, that people would truly understand me. But I am the opposite of the person who goes to college and finds herself. I am more fucking lost than ever. And finally, after a year, I’m able to say it. I don’t know who I am. I don’t. I sometimes know what I believe but periodically I talk about issues that I used to have very adamant views about and now I don’t. I’m trying to look at it as a good thing—I’m more open-minded than I was before (which I didn’t think was possible) and I’m ready to learn from life.

But I’m scared. I’m thinking about the future and I’m crying right now because I’m just so scared.

Finally after a year, though, I’m able to say I’m scared and not feel bad about it, or be embarrassed, or feel like an outcast. So, I guess we can call that a victory. A big one, in fact.

On another note, Ella’s song is pretty damn cool. It made Brian and me blush and we didn’t know what to say. I’ve definitely never had a song written about me before. In addition to writing some great lyrics and some sweet rhymes with a clear and tight rhythm (none of which just anyone can do), thank you for thinking I can belt high notes that I certainly cannot belt, and thinking Brian is older than me (he’s not – he’s only 25). But seriously, it’s the most flattering thing I’ve ever read. It takes a great deal of work and some fancy budgeting to be able to be a writer in your twenties – and also a complete disregard for the important things in life like health insurance…

But nothing you said you want to do is out of reach. So go and do it, Ella. College is the best time to write a show if that’s what you’re looking to do. You’ve paid your 40k (or some scholarship has) in order to have unlimited access to the school’s resources for your education. So educate yourself. Write a show and put it up. That’s exactly where both Brian and I started. And then we started working together and since we were both such self-starters, things started happening more quickly.

It’s just a matter of doing it. And finishing things. From what I can see, the difference between a writer and a would-be-writer is that the writer finishes projects.

Good luck to all of you. I feel like I have a vested interest in each of you doing exactly what it is you set out to do. Do us proud and keep in touch!

This isn’t going to be the best final post only because I haven’t been feeling that great past week. I’ve been patiently waiting to feel settled in but it hasn’t happened yet. I miss my freshman dorm and the family that was created last year, and something is missing right now. Ever since the summer I feel like my whole world has been jolted and shaken up. Home didn’t feel like home and I was hoping that LAC would. I just cannot get used to this new room and not seeing the faces I did last year. TK lives on the other side of campus and the DeniseGirls have all jumped back into their lives here without any trouble.

Yesterday I talked to Wishy on the phone for a little while. I think he’s really happy that he transferred and after a few minutes I grew jealous of his position. In a sense, he’s having his freshman year over again, except he’s experiencing it in the city and not the secluded bubble that can be LAC. He’s gets to meet so many different people every day, but it can be a struggle to find new and interesting company here. It’s not that I’ve settled for my friends because they are amazing, it just took lots of time and effort to find those people. I think it’s good that FreshX is closing because the tone of this blog and my new blog will certainly be different. I’m not exactly as happy here as I was last year and I can’t put my finger on why.

Yesterday I also ended things with Sebastian. Well, it was mutual, I think. It wasn’t as electric and fun between us, and my heart wasn’t in it. Granted, we’ve only been back a week but I felt an emptiness the moment after we saw each other for the first time. Boys have never been on my radar but they aren’t even in my visual field now. I want to be alone, not necessarily lonely, but by myself.

Well, it’s time to put a face to this blog. I just wish it were a happier one.

My name is Carla and I’m 19 years old. I go to college in New England.

I am so grateful to Kait and Brian for allowing me to document my first year at college. When I look at the older posts I cringe and laugh and wonder what the hell was I thinking? Mostly though as I page through the entries I’m hit with an urge to just go back and relive it all.

I know I said I’d be writing at my new blog but considering how I’m feeling right now I think I need to take a little break from online journaling. I need that feeling of “home” to sink in again before I can write, so I’ll hold off on announcing the new URL. Sometime in the near future I’ll ask Kait or Brian to tell you guys that I’m blogging again, but until then I’m gonna wait for this feeling of disorientation to fall away.

Kait said her goodbyes in her most recent post, but I just want to reiterate how honored I am to have been part of this project with you. We had a blast making this video – it’s a tribute of sorts. If anyone else is mourning the end of the experiment and looking for an outlet, post a video response.

Lots of love,
Brian

Health-wise, it’s always the worst coming back to school; no matter how well the custodians clean up, all of the unfamiliar germs end up getting clogged in my nose and I spend the first few weeks sniffling and blowing. So I am investing in an air purifier for my room that way I can rest in peace instead of reaching for the tissues every hour.

As you can tell I’m up early thanks to my stuffy nose or it could be the excitement for classes. My first one is at 9:45 and it’s the Sociology class that I’ve been looking forward to. I’m not sure how well I’ll fare in the beginning classes. It feels like my brain has melted from all the summer boredom and relaxation. Is it just me or does everyone have that awkward moment the first time you pick up a pencil after three months? My handwriting looks very sloppy and kindergarten-ish at first. I hope that doesn’t occur for too long because I want to do really well this semester. I’m babysitting for two families and I have a MWF PE class, along with Lit Review and the sexual assault awareness clubs I’m in. I think the busyness will keep my day structured and focused, and hopefully I can get some mindless fun in there somewhere.

What I don’t know how to manage is Sebastian.

After a failed attempt at long distance and a short 25 minute phone call in early August after not speaking for a month, his recent behavior is throwing me for a loop. On Monday night I was a tipsy and was running to meet a friend at his dorm room. The moment I opened the door to the hallway, Sebastian opened his door to leave his room and I nearly fell over at the sight of him. We didn’t move for a moment, just looked at each other for awhile, like a standoff in those Western movies. Then without even stammering he said “Christine, I knew I missed you but I didn’t know how much until now. Right now.” I didn’t even try to play coy. I just ran over and gave him the biggest hug.

I didn’t want to take up all his time because he had just got to campus and I’m sure he wanted to see his friends, but he wouldn’t let me go. We walked around for hours talking and apologizing to each other for not being more present this summer. He kept looking at me and saying how much he thought about me, and I couldn’t help but smile the whole time. Since then we’ve fallen back into our same routine. I wouldn’t say it’s steering towards a relationship because I’m not sure I’ll ever let it get to that point. I just love how when we’re with each other it’s like the whole world falls away but we still have our own lives and don’t need to call and text each other every minute.

I’m not sure what to make of it. I like the familiarity, I like lying next to him and everything, but the butterflies aren’t really flying right now. I think the summer has left me disenchanted. It just makes me think what’s the point? Even if we stay together all year does that mean next summer we’ll be better at making the long distance work? Or will we just let it die again? I don’t think I want to go on that rollercoaster another time. For now I’m just going to enjoy his company and hope for things to start fluttering again.

This Thursday I’ll be sitting in a classroom and officially be considered a sophomore at this school. What does this mean for me? Well, technically I should know my way around campus really well but I still got a little lost today. But the most obvious conclusion is that I am no longer a freshman and, thus this site, its purposes, and of course, the name no longer applies to me.

When Kait and Brian approached me with the project my initial reaction was “What the hell are they thinking?” Sure, I write short stories every now and again, but a blog – where my life is the central focus! They were obviously sippin’ on 40z when they came up with this idea. I told them over and over that I’m boring, uninteresting, and that I wouldn’t know what to write. They curtailed my nervousness by putting unwavering trust in what they believed I could do, especially Brian, whose only experience with my “talent” was watching me read/perform a short monologue I had written in middle school. So, they may not think it, but they definitely took a leap of faith on me.

As I began writing I was anxious about many things – how would we get traffic? What should I write that will be good material for a song? But mostly, I was afraid of what the readers would think of me. Here I was, offering up snippets of my life, not everything, but certainly personal snapshots that could be used against me. None of you did that, and I sincerely want to thank all of you for being open and accepting. You guys never judged me for my drunken antics, boy drama, and amazing talent for procrastination. Although, I could’ve used a slap down to reality during the Wishy situation.

The amount of stress that LAC creates is expected but still incredibly hard to handle. It’s a school whose prestige is pretty unknown unless you religiously read U.S. News Rankings and live somewhere on the east coast. I needed this blog to help handle all of that and put certain situations in perspective. In the end, Kait and Brian were right; I am somewhat of a good blogger. I like expressing myself in this medium and so even though FreshX has to close, I’ll be moving to a new URL.

That’s right, guys. Hopefully by Friday I’ll have my new blog up and running. Admittedly, it won’t be as fancy shmancy as this one, but I think we’ll all be able to manage the downgrade. The other noted difference is that I won’t be writing under a pseudo name. I’ve thought about it a lot and revealing my identity feels like the best thing to do. It will give me more freedom to write and, I think, it’ll be a better read for you guys. Another surprise is that Kait and Brian will still be present at the new blog but the logistics of that still need to be worked out. I hope you guys will follow me there!

Well, there it is. The summer and FreshX are coming to a close. I’ll continue writing here until Friday!

This is a very hard post to write. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I’ve been dreading it. This is because it is my sad task to tell you that The Freshmen Experiment is coming to an end… at least in this incarnation.  After lots of discussion, we have decided that the website it too all-consuming for us to do without major tech support and too expensive to do with major tech support. It’s been a hard decision to make, but now that our freshmen are no longer freshmen, we have decided that this is the right time to suspend the site.

The suspension won’t take effect immediately. Brian and I have a few more tricks up our sleeves. We plan to finish off “Last Week’s Alcohol” and we even have a few surprises to share, but our bloggers will stop blogging at the end of this week, and we will finish off our songs soon thereafter, and our experiment will be complete.

For me, this has been a beautiful and illuminating experience. I have laughed and cried at some of the posts and comments. I am more proud of some of the songs we’ve written for this project than of anything else we’ve ever written. Partly it’s because they felt so real to us, but I think it’s also the attempt to take the words of our kick-ass bloggers and turn them into lyrics and melodies.

And then there are the relationships that we’ve developed with the readers which has been something different than anything I’ve experienced before. If any of you all-star commenters come to a concert of ours, please introduce yourselves. You’ve been a crucial part of this special and incredibly personal project.

Two great pieces of news come out of this. One is that there’s no way we won’t try this again. It was way too much fun and we learned way too much not to put it to good use – only next time we’ll have a videographer, sound designer, web designer, tech consultant, and a marketing firm… oh yeah, our plans are BIG. The second is more immediate. CC will continuing blogging on her own new website. Brian and I will follow wherever she goes, of course, and beg her to let us write songs based on her writing on occasion. Maybe she’ll even let us guestblog for a week or two here and there (hint hint)…

You can always find me on my new lyrics blog (www.kerrigan-lowdermilk.com/lyrics), where you should comment because it’s very lonely there without you. Even after the experiment is completely finished, this website will still be here for you to come back in wistful moments and read / listen to your favorite posts. Please do. I know I will.

Thank you guys for everything. You have made this site what it is.

Music: Wilco – On and On and On

Sorry for my last two entries lacking in substance, I just haven’t had a moment to breathe. It took about six hours to drive up here because (although my mom insists we didn’t) we got a little lost on the highway. Anyway, once I pulled up to LAC all the excitement that was brewing in my stomach completely dissipated. For some reason I wasn’t anxious to get back nor was bitter about it. I just wanted to throw my blanket on my bed and take a nap. It’s been really strange thinking of this room as my new home for a year. Every time I walk in I’m expecting to see the same layout of my freshman dorm. However, there is more space and the ceilings are really high so it opens up the room a lot more. My only main complaint, besides the less than stellar floormates, is that it’s on the third floor so it’s an actual hike to my room; carrying my bags up the flights of stairs was a bitch and took me forever.

I did succeed in decorating my room and making it more comfortable than last year. I have about a million pictures of my friends and family, and my bed is literally a cloud thanks to a foam mattress pad. The only thing I need is more posters and possibly a shoe rack. I forgot that bringing 40 pairs of shoes to school was probably a horrible idea. They’re hiding underneath my bed right now.

Well, the DeniseGirls have all made it to campus. I ran into The Jock’s room when I found out she was here and knocked her over with a hug. I missed everyone, but I missed The Jock so much, it actually hurt. I nearly cried from relief when I saw her. It’s so great how we’ve all just fallen back into last year, like these three months without each other passed by in a minute. I love these girls with everything, and it’s ridiculous to think that they’ve only been in my life for a year! Tonight I’m going to party with them and laugh and enjoy myself.

P.S. Sebastian and *drumroll* WISHY have both come back into my life in big ways. I can’t deal with it.

Classes haven’t started. Security is off for the week. So, general drunk debauchery has already begun.

The worst thing in the world may be having a bunch of guys spending hours in front of the TV playing awful videogames, along with smelling up the bathrooms and having really unfriendly personalities. I love my room, I love that the DeniseGirls are on my floor, but I CANNOT take the other people who live here.

I guess I’ll have to suck it up.