The Freshman Experiment

Late nights with nowhere to be.  After leaving my friends, I drive home. Or I start to drive home. One of my favorite things is driving around by myself at night. That may sound really “loner-ish” and weird, but I love it. Last night, after I had driven a little and remembered how to actually operate a car (a few months away from the wheel can make it kinda difficult), I decided that I would just drive. And that’s what I did. I put on a cd of one of the UG’s (she writes and performs her own songs and she is AMAZING)—when her familiar voice filled my car, it was almost like I was taking a trip with one of my best friends. I saw places I forget about when I left for college (my high school, for one) and places I tried to forget but never could. I drove a familiar street and stopped outside my old house. I hadn’t been there since we moved and, during Thanksgiving, I avoided going near it. I wasn’t immediately upset, as I had expected to be. For the first few minutes, I was mostly just confused, as my mind tried to remember exactly where I was and why it looked different. Then it set it. For some reason, the thing that made me most emotional was seeing the trash of the “new family,” whoever they may be. Even though these things had been discarded, they reminded me that these strangers have actual lives, lives that take place in my old kitchen, my basement, my room. They are real people, a thought that I had previously avoided. I used to think of them as an entity, “the buyers,” but seeing the house now that it’s theirs made it into something completely different. Those things aren’t mine anymore. In fact, they are so separate from me now, it’s hard to believe they were ever mine at all. As the cd came to an end, I decided it was probably best to drive home (the new home, that is). Although all I did was waste a half-an-hour and a bunch of gas, it was absolutely worth it. It’s so much more satisfying to slip under the covers at night knowing you had an adventure during the day; and even if the sites you’ve ventured to are from the past, I’ve found that, coming home, they tend to be emotionally unfamiliar.

Music: The Perishers - What We Once Had

My living room is covered in wrapping paper, my little niece is running around with her new toys, and my siblings are off in their own rooms playing with our gadgets. I wanted to post really quickly before I get ready to go out and visit the GoodTime Girls. Here are pictures of a few of the gifts I got.

And I took all of these pictures with my new digital camera. Now I’ll force all of you to be materialistic and tell me what you got!

Music: Billy Mack (Love Actually OST) - Christmas Is All Around

I was hesitant to write about my break while I was home because it felt strange to talk about my family while they were, oh, five feet away. But now that I’m back at LAC, I feel no desire to hash out what happened. In truth, nothing special occurred. I came back to indifferent siblings who didn’t seem particularly excited that I was home. Actually, they seemed downright surprised to see me, as if Mamajay hadn’t told them of my return. Of course I don’t expect my homecoming to be the main event but it would’ve been nice to feel some enthusiasm on their part.

I was eager to see Dean, my other mom who doesn’t live with us. She’s turned into a quiet woman with years and years of regrets resting heavy between her shoulders. Constantly she walks apologetically around us for tainting our childhood. I’ve forgiven her. All I wanted was to spend a day with her. Yet, she was not that enthused to go out for an afternoon shopping or see a movie. She came for Thanksgiving dinner and then quickly left. I think I saw her for a total of three hours.

On Saturday night I sat alone in my living room, watching movies onDemand and being pissed off at my family. Everyone except my little sister was out and even though I mentioned that I’d be leaving at 8:00 that morning none of them came in to say goodbye. Red did manage to get up and give me a quick hug as I was loading my thing into a friend’s car.

On the flip side, my girls - especially Ginger, Spaz, and the Nuzzler - were incredible. I had barely unpacked my things on Tuesday night when Spaz called and told me what the week was looking like for us. “We’re going to try and see each other everyday, so get ready to be irritated with us by Friday!”

LAC gave me a warm welcome. TK, Mr. New Guy, and my Denisemates all asked about my break and then we fell back into the old rhythms.

Mr. NG surprised me. Ten minutes after he dropped off his things he came down to say hi and tell me how much he missed me while we were away. I seriously melted.

It’s feels nice to be missed, doesn’t it? My family should take a few pointers from Mr. NG.

I can’t lie. I really did not want to leave my house today. It was so nice to take a break from crappy day-to-day life and just sit down for a while. This weekend, I did things I haven’t done in months: watched TV, listened to music, READ A BOOK! I remembered what relaxing was and now I really want more of it. These last few days brought me back to the summer, where days were entirely made of (working), lounging, and reading (mostly the Harry Potter series several times). The nights consisted either of doing anything/everything with my friends or watching movies with my parents. I know this sounds really silly, but things were just so much easier then. I miss being able to do what I want and, honestly, spending time at home just made me realize even more how I don’t really like it at PU. Even though I went to bed late, I got up everyday this weekend around 8am, because there were things that I actually wanted to do, even if it was doing nothing. I just wish I wanted to get up to go to my classes in the same way. I think I’ve just reached a point where I need the semester to be over. As soon as I finished my midterms, I was mentally done with my courses, contributing even more to my lack of excitement about them.

But, less about dumb PU, more about home. As was expected, it was wonderful to see Tattoo, Hoodie, and Tree. We went to a social gathering on Friday night that was full of “those people”—you know, the ones who you feel okay about never seeing again after graduation. But it was worth it to see the people I really did miss. I felt pretty normal in the new house, which is great, although I wasn’t quite sure yet how to give anyone directions in or out of the neighborhood. Most of all, I really just enjoyed spending this time with my family. Even though I talk to my mom often, it just isn’t the same as actually being with her. I joked in the car as she drove me to the train station that she could just drive me all the way back to school (it’s only about two hours there), but I don’t think she realized that I was sort of serious. I didn’t want to say goodbye so early. But I did say goodbye, and after a cramped train ride and journey that involved me hauling back at least twice as much as I brought home, I arrived at my dorm. Time to get back to work, I suppose. I’m already counting down the days, though. Only about a month until I get to go home again. Can’t wait.

P.S. A funny anecdote to finish off this post. You know how some cars have TV’s? Well, as we were driving to the train station, I saw that the car next to us not only had one, but was using it to watch porn. No joke. I thought it was the funniest thing that’s happened in quite a while.

Thank God for the trip, (5)
If only it was longer. (7)
Oh, silly porn man. (5)

It was my alarm clock this morning that pulled me into reality. Even though I hadn’t heard that oh-so-familiar buzzing in several months, my body immediately recognized what it was. My arm shot straight out and found the tiny knob to shut it off in mere seconds, as though it was only yesterday that I was waking up for high school. I’m home and, naturally, it’s weird. Pulling into the driveway of my new house was like pulling up to a stranger’s—I didn’t recognize where we were going so I was surprised when my mom turned off the ignition. Surprisingly, I feel much more at home here than I expected to. It’s a little weird to wander around the kitchen or peek in the bathroom closet and not know where anything goes, but my bed squishes in familiar ways, so I feel okay.

This morning, before the “Epic Meal,” I went out to coffee with Hoodie and Tree. It was remarkable to see them. Hoodie loves her school, as we all predicted. Tree, although she seems to be doing really well, has a few more problems with college life. As much as it upsets me to know that she could be happier, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who’s not completely satisfied with her decisions. Our coffee was brief, so I’m excited to spend more time with them this weekend. Although there are lots of people who I’d like to see and reminisce with before I go back to PU on Sunday night, I have a feeling those reunions won’t be as natural as the ones with my best friends. It will be nice to see them and hear stories, but I’m sure there will be the tension caused by the mutual knowledge that we’re all just killing time until we return to “real life.”

Speaking of “real life,” I was actually sad to be leaving PU, if only for a long weekend. I didn’t really feel like saying goodbye to my friends, especially since I just regained free time to spend with them (now that Musical! has concluded). Don’t worry, I’m already working on the next show—I’m proposing to direct a musical next semester. I had a meeting with my production staff the night before I left and it went really well. Everyone was really excited about the project and seems eager to put in a lot of work. I’ll give you more details after we meet again and let you know if our show gets chosen for production (we should find out in early December). Of course, I miss Musical! a lot. Towards the end, it really came together and we had a great (and completely sold-out run). At first I was worried that I wouldn’t ever see my friends from the cast again, but I’ve already seen them several times in the days since the show ended. Plus, a bunch of them are on my staff for the upcoming show, so my fears have pretty much been assuaged.

I’m really looking forward to seeing my friends this weekend and getting a chance to relax with my family (and my dog—I’ve missed my dog!), but there’s also so much work to be done in the next few days. My first college applications are due December 1st, and I still have a lot of things to finish up and send out. Plus, NotMyDaddy is hopefully going to help me with statistics, which (if I can figure it all out) will take a lot of unneeded stress out of my life. So, excitement, WORK, and blog posts to come!

P.S. Did I mention the food for the “Epic Meal”? Actually the best thing ever. I will be eating pie and meat for weeks. And I’m so excited.

Home for the Bird Day, (5)
Friends and family abounding. (7)
Meat, meat, meat, meat, PIE. (5)