First step in Operation Independence.
Internet! At last!
Sorry, readers, my wireless has been unreliable this week (to say the least), and it’s been keeping me from loading my posts. So here’s a blog from Sunday that I can finally share with y’all:
Sunday, June 22, 2008—2:15 am
My first night in my summer apartment. My divorced parents and I all drove here in the same car (surprisingly painless) and the actual unpacking and moving in was perhaps the most efficient that I’ve ever been a part of. My mom has always had this weird super power for putting everything in its proper place and making it feel like home… and all in like 15 minutes flat. The rest of the afternoon was spent doing various errands: drug store, grocery store, hardware store. They were tedious but at least we got to spend some time together. And of course there was enough time in the afternoon for me to have a panic attack/nervous breakdown. Mom and I made dinner together in my new tiny kitchen before she left and the whole thing just felt so overwhelming. I just kept repeating over and over again, “I can’t do this.” And I’m still pretty sure it’s true. I don’t know how to be an independent human being. I just don’t. I wish it didn’t freak me out to think about doing the most banal things on my own, but it does. I don’t know how to cook, I don’t know how to clean, I don’t know how to get around. Why does it seem that everyone I know is capable of being an adult (or at least acting like one) except me?
So here I am, lying in bed, and I can’t sleep because I have terrible stomach cramps. It’s nerves. I can tell because it feels the same as the pit that was in my stomach on the first night of college. Only this time there’s no one else around to share in my panic. Plus, the lack of working internet and television isn’t helping. Hopefully when my musical theater program starts in a week, it will take my mind off of home and my friends. Or it could just make me even more overwhelmed with the added problem of having to meet 100 new people who will all most likely be cooler and more talented than me. I guess we’ll have to see. All I can worry about for now is trying to get to sleep. First nights are always the hardest, right?