Heartbroken.
Music: Sufjan Stevens- “To Be Alone With You”
I don’t really know what to do with myself right now. I know Kait said that I owe you all multiple, in-depth posts updating you all on what’s been happening with me, and I absolutely agree, but I just don’t know that I can form the thoughts right now. Honestly, I’m just sort of lost.
I’m sitting in my bed at home because I am officially done with my freshman year. These last 9 months have flown by impossibly fast and I don’t want to think about the fact that a quarter of my time in college is finished. Loading up my car today (in the pouring rain, no less) was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep from this week of finals, or the exhaustion from packing up every single possession I accumulated this year, but I was a mess all day. I could not stop crying on the way home and, frankly, it’s going to be a while before I feel completely okay. Every goodbye got harder and there were some people that, even now, just thinking about not seeing them for the next three months makes me upset. I’ve been realizing lately, and especially today, in spite of the issues I was dealing with at the beginning of the year and all the thoughts of potentially transferring, I had an amazing year. I cannot express enough love for the friends I have made—they are simply amazing human beings. They are my family, truly. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced happiness like I’ve recently achieved, and I’m just so afraid that it’s going to slip away.
I can’t keep going right now because it’s too hard. This whole day was just heartbreaking. I think that’s the only word for it.
But I guess now is as good a time as ever to address the question that’s been posed to us all year about how to return home. The answer: I don’t know. I was just starting to understand what home means.