Kait here. I’ve been thinking a lot about college in the past few days. Bloggers, be glad you’re writing down as much of your day-to-day as you are. It fades. And it fades differently than childhood, which is so ingrained and formative. Some moments burn into your brain but others disappear with the passing years. I remember all the big moments - the ceremonious ones - but I can’t pull up little details. I can see a roommate cleaning dishes but I can’t hear her tell the story I know was so funny. I can’t remember what made her impression of our economics professor so pricelessly dead-on. I can see her eyes, and I know she’s laughing. I can hear her voice and I know something hilarious happened. But what? I wish I could remember just one thing.
I did keep a journal in college and I’m going to go back through and look at it. But I’m afraid I wrote down the wrong things - the important events instead of the little beautiful and ugly things that happened every day. You never know when you’re going to miss those. I wish I could write it all down, you know? Just in case.
This is for you three.
I was lying in bed, insomnia at its worst, and that John Mayer song that reminds us of Tree shuffled it’s way out of my Ipod and through my headphones. From the opening chords, a lump grew in my throat. Then came flashbacks of our time together. They didn’t start as specific memories, but feelings. Comfort, knowing that no matter how shitty the day was, you three would be there at night to pick me up. Trust, allowing me to share the darkest secrets and make the dumbest jokes because you wouldn’t judge me. Happiness, understanding that I had people who loved me like I’d never really known before, three people who I didn’t have to put on an act for (although I know you loved it when I did).
Then came the images. S’mores and wine that came from a silly box. Hoodie’s beach house and the salt water that got in your hair and made me speechless, dumbstruck by just how beautiful you all are. Fondue gone-wrong. Boys that were never really good enough for us but made us upset all the same. Wafers. The kitty and the eye drops that I had to purchase because of the kitty. Getting lost or, if I was driving, getting lost everywhere. Tattoo’s namesake adventure, with Mother in tow and outlines of laughing demons and impaled puppies up on the walls. Remnants of red party cups gone by and silly decisions that still make our cheeks red. Tears from laughter and, unfortunately more often than not, from other things.
The three of you are going home this weekend. By home, I mean to your houses but I more importantly mean you’re going home to each other. You will all be together and I will be absent. And it kills me.
You were friends before me but I feel as though it’s only when all four of us are together that we can truly function. It’s been so long since I heard your voices. Sometimes it’s hard to hang out with other students here because they always merely feel like fillers until I see you again. They’re great, they’re just not you. No one else can ever be.
I guess I’m just trying to say that I miss you and that I’m sorry I haven’t called.
I love you.
That was for you three.