The Freshman Experiment

I can’t lie. I really did not want to leave my house today. It was so nice to take a break from crappy day-to-day life and just sit down for a while. This weekend, I did things I haven’t done in months: watched TV, listened to music, READ A BOOK! I remembered what relaxing was and now I really want more of it. These last few days brought me back to the summer, where days were entirely made of (working), lounging, and reading (mostly the Harry Potter series several times). The nights consisted either of doing anything/everything with my friends or watching movies with my parents. I know this sounds really silly, but things were just so much easier then. I miss being able to do what I want and, honestly, spending time at home just made me realize even more how I don’t really like it at PU. Even though I went to bed late, I got up everyday this weekend around 8am, because there were things that I actually wanted to do, even if it was doing nothing. I just wish I wanted to get up to go to my classes in the same way. I think I’ve just reached a point where I need the semester to be over. As soon as I finished my midterms, I was mentally done with my courses, contributing even more to my lack of excitement about them.

But, less about dumb PU, more about home. As was expected, it was wonderful to see Tattoo, Hoodie, and Tree. We went to a social gathering on Friday night that was full of “those people”—you know, the ones who you feel okay about never seeing again after graduation. But it was worth it to see the people I really did miss. I felt pretty normal in the new house, which is great, although I wasn’t quite sure yet how to give anyone directions in or out of the neighborhood. Most of all, I really just enjoyed spending this time with my family. Even though I talk to my mom often, it just isn’t the same as actually being with her. I joked in the car as she drove me to the train station that she could just drive me all the way back to school (it’s only about two hours there), but I don’t think she realized that I was sort of serious. I didn’t want to say goodbye so early. But I did say goodbye, and after a cramped train ride and journey that involved me hauling back at least twice as much as I brought home, I arrived at my dorm. Time to get back to work, I suppose. I’m already counting down the days, though. Only about a month until I get to go home again. Can’t wait.

P.S. A funny anecdote to finish off this post. You know how some cars have TV’s? Well, as we were driving to the train station, I saw that the car next to us not only had one, but was using it to watch porn. No joke. I thought it was the funniest thing that’s happened in quite a while.

Thank God for the trip, (5)
If only it was longer. (7)
Oh, silly porn man. (5)

My mother only left 5 hours ago and I miss her already. I had a suspicion that seeing her this weekend for such a short time would only juxtapose life without her more harshly.

And apparently, I was right.

I feel like a giant baby for being sad but I am. Even though we spent almost two full days together, it feels like I barely saw her. I wish that we could have skipped the little tours of campus and the chit-chat and made this weekend one continual hug that started the minute she got here and never ceased. She was so silly and beautiful and wonderful and now I’m crying just thinking about it. I had moments throughout the day of amnesia, moments when I pictured the two of us driving home together late at night, listening to the Beatles or Joni Mitchell, with me falling asleep in an uncomfortable, passenger-seat ball and her shaking me gently when we finally pulled into the driveway, just as we had repeated so many times throughout my childhood. And I expected that, at the end of the day, we would again act of this scene. It was always terribly painful when I realized that I would not fall asleep beside her in the car, but instead alone, in a filthy dorm room. I know she had to leave when she did. It was getting late and she has to work tomorrow, but I wonder if she was feeling the same sadness as me. The best part of this entire weekend was the comfort she gave me. Even when we talked about all the issues I’ve been having and the possible transfer (which we did quite a bit), she was able to do it in her perfect Mom way that made me realize, no matter what happens, it’s going to be okay. It was so wonderful to be reminded that I’m not alone in this decision. I may have to make the ultimate choice by myself, but I needed the reality check that just because I’m in college doesn’t mean I’m being forced into complete independence.

I just want her to come back. Now that I remember what her hugs feel like, I want another. I want to hold onto this weekend for as long as possible because it reminded me of something important: nothing—not homework, not midterms, not transfers, not college—nothing is as important as being happy and surrounding yourself with people, places, and things that will make you that way.

Thanks for still teaching (5)
Lessons that colleges don’t. (7)
Miss you already. (5)

It’s “Family Weekend” and I couldn’t be more excited. I have been anticipating this visit for weeks and yesterday, when I finally saw my mom, I wanted to cry on the spot. She looks the same, although I can spot subtle differences in her personality, as I’m sure she can in me. Unfortunately, yesterday was eaten up by a super-long Musical! rehearsal and a sort of lousy evening (our plans fell short of our expectations). Hopefully today will be much better. And even if it’s not, just being able to see her is enough to make it wonderful. I’m pretty happy about the whole situation.

My mother is here: (5)
Thank God, I needed the hug. (7)
Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! (5)

Rewind to junior year of high school.

At the start of the college decision process, many young actors face a difficult decision: will they audition for conservatories, will they apply to liberal arts schools, will they do both, or will they do neither.

For me, the choice posed no challenge. I went to no conservatory auditions, based on my strong opinion that actors should be educated, intelligent people as opposed to robots trained solely for the theatre with limited knowledge of the outside world (not that this applies to everyone who attends a conservatory). And this is still my opinion…I think.

Fast-forward to the present.

When my mind is wandering in one of my less interesting lecture classes, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to do what I love, all day, everyday. And it doesn’t help that when I talk to FriendBoy, I’m filled will jealousy by descriptions of his day (he goes to one of the best conservatories in the country). I’m relatively sure this is just another one of those doubts that comes with the rocky beginning of college, but it freaks me out that I’m not so in love with my school that I imagine what it would be like to transfer. Maybe that love and collegiate pride are things develop over time. Yeah, I guess I just want to take in slow before I jump into bed with PU (although I do jump into a bed belonging to PU every night).

In some happier news, there is an abundance of joyous events in the near future.
Next weekend, Ma comes. It’s technically Parents’ Weekend, but since we’re not doing any of the lame, school-affiliated activities, it’s really just a much-needed visit. I can’t wait to see her; I need one of her hugs. I am worried, though, that seeing her will only make it harder once she leaves. Also, visits to FriendBoy and Tattoo (one of my best friends from high school) are in the works. I couldn’t be more excited. I know coming to college is supposed to be about starting over, developing an indentity, and trying new things, but can you blame me for not wanting to completely let go of my old life? After all, there were some pretty amazing people in it.

P.S. The UG’s decided today that my currently diseased voice sounds like Lindsay Lohan, so I’ve been going around all day quoting “The Parent Trap.” Don’t even lie- you know you love that movie, too.

More doubts fill my mind, (5)
Will I ever feel at home? (7)
The Parent Trap rocks. (5)

So, I am moved in. My bags have been unpacked and my dorm room has been filled. I’ve been “convocated” and I am now officially a college student.

Let me explain something. This event has been on my mind for about three years now. I have known that I wanted to go to Prestigious University (PU) since the end of freshman year. And all I have done since I realized that was my goal was dreamed and imagined what this day would be like. And since I received my acceptance letter, all I’ve done was pine and long for when I would actually set foot upon PU’s campus and be addressed as a student.

So can someone tell me—

Why the fuck do I feel so sad right now?

All day long there has been this undeniable lump in my throat and no matter what I do, I cannot get rid of it. And it threatens to expose me for the coward I truly am at any given moment. Seriously. There was nothing in the dean’s speech tonight that should have brought me to tears, and yet I was sitting there, surrounded by hundreds of other students, and this damn lump was rising and my eyes were almost welling up with tears. And this has been happening all day. I cannot stop crying (or at least almost crying).

I first cried last night when I realized that this morning was the last time I’d ever see the house I grew up in (my mom is moving in a few weeks). It was a sad realization, but not that serious a cry. The real explosion was due to my mother. About an hour after she had announced she was going to bed last night, she came to me with red eyes. She held me and told me how proud she was of me and that she hoped I could be proud of myself one day and that she had done her best to be a good mother. And that was heartbreaking for me to hear because she has. She has been the greatest mother. So naturally her tears summoned my tears. But that was a good cry. We cried together as we sat on the floor in each others’ arms and sobbed because we loved each other so much.

Today’s throat-lump has not been hinting at a “good” cry. It’s been trying to break me into one of those cries brought on by pure loneliness and grief, where you can barely open your eyes afterwards and your throat feels like you’ve been screaming. And I know that as soon as the lamp gets switched off and my head hits the pillow, in the darkness, I will not be able to stop the tears. I dread saying goodnight to my roommate knowing that only moments later she may hear the sobs that have been fighting to get out of me all day. The dead of night has a way of bringing out all the secrets that you’re somehow able to hide in the daylight.

I should not be sad. My roommate is great. My RA is great. PU is perfect, just like I always knew it would be. The day was fine. Sure it was very, very hot (it’s actually amazing to me how the seasons here can be so drastically different), but I really can’t complain about anything. I just can’t explain or stop the lump.

Perhaps my feelings could better be expressed in a haiku. I like haikus. They’re simple and clean and easy. Plus, they’re so darn fun to write! So—

College has begun. (5)
The other kids laugh and smile. (7)
I just miss my mom. (5)