The Freshman Experiment

Music: Collective Soul - Run

Mr.NG newly christened Wishy-Washy

Two days into winter session he called me to come over and I sat on his bed, messing up his folded clothes while he told me:

“Christine, I feel like we’re progressing towards a serious, committed relationship. The crazy thing is that I want that to happen but I also think I should be alone. If we’re together for a long time we’ll eventually break-up and then we’ll both have to nurse broken hearts and it’ll just suck. I think we’d have an awesome time together — it’d be great! I can’t see you anymore though.”

I gave him my biggest What the fuck are you talking about? face and went to my room. The last time I cried over a boy was a year ago when The Ex didn’t send a stampede over just my heart but my entire body. When we had broken up I had gotten physically ill. Wishy’s half-assed break up didn’t warrant the same dramatic response but I did cry a little into my pillow. The following days I talked TK’s ear off about the situation. Whenever I shut the fuck up about it for more than a minute he filled the silence with unwavering support for me and I realized that if I had TK I didn’t really need WW. Before he had ever come, before he had ran down my hallway, caught me on my way to the bathroom and kissed me I had been living well without a boy. My friends here have made me smile and love who I am; and if I’m missing a warm body, well, I can just snuggle up with one of the Denise Girls.

In just four days I had recovered and was ready to be out of the Gray Area that Wishy and I were trying to function in. Then in true romantic comedy fashion I opened my door one night and he was standing there, leaning against the wall with his dirty blonde hair tickling his eyelashes. I crossed my arms while he told me:

“All those uncertain feelings are still here, Christine, but you outweigh all of that. You’re amazing, you’re beautiful. You make me feel amazing. I don’t care what happens; in fact, I wish for all those things to happen.”

He then kissed me without really kissing me because my lips did nothing. I told him I had to think and that’s where things are. Part of me wants to drag him along and then another wants to run upstairs to his bed and finish counting his freckles. I’m a big believer in simplicity. I like him, he likes me, and so we should spend as much time as we can with each other. But he went and mucked things up and now…I just don’t know.

TK
If I could write TK’s Match.com profile it would be something like this.

Will make you smile even when you don’t feel like it, especially when you don’t feel like it. Doesn’t mind telling you if your shirt doesn’t match those jeans but will then wait fifteen minutes while you try on every single top in your closet. Dances to all types of music, including bad rap but his iPod is the only one that can be played at a party. He will let you sleep in his bed if the heat doesn’t work in your room; will stop talking to his mom or sister to give you a hug. Bring a box of Quaker Oats oatmeal to get to his heart. Tends to fall for the closet gays or boys who scream GAY GAY GAY but won’t admit to it themselves. So you must have all ready accepted the fact that men are your preference before courting my dear, old TK. DISCLAIMER: While I’m only 5′2 I will seriously maim you if you hurt him.

Wishy’s indecisiveness has momentarily steered me away from my one mission which is Operation Get TK Laid. At a party he will scout out the potentials and I will either approve or disapprove. Man, we’re creepy.

Christine

I’ve decided to get training for the Sexual Assault and Rape Hotline (SARH) at LAC. Training sessions are intense - twice a week for two hours. I’ve also volunteered at the local homeless shelter and I’ve decided to work with the children. On Saturday I have seven hours of training to go through (!!!) but I’m excited. I’m finally filling up my schedule, so hopefully you readers won’t think I’m a lazy ass who sits around and complains about boys all day.

Music: Jimi Hendrix - Foxy Lady

The charger came!

I’ll be back from class around 1ish and then I’ll start writing an obnoxiously long blog about Mr.NG’s craziness (whose name should be changed to WishyWashy or Intense-Fear-of-Committment-Boy), TK’s exploits, and my own noteworthy incidents. Winter session means one class so that means more alcohol coupled with long bouts of downtime. Obviously, shit’s all ready hit the fan - more than once actually.

Music: Mika - Big Girl, You are Beautiful (this is the best song to dance to, big or small.)

Mr. NG, TK, and I were walking along the mud stained snow. NG was going to a party while me and TK were going to get low-key tipsy in a friend’s dorm room. The three of us rounded the corner when TK grabbed my elbow and whispered “oh, fuck…” Five seconds later she ran up to us, gesticulating, playfully screaming at us for not telling her we were going out. She’s NG’s friend but…no friend of mine. She’s too loud, too boisterous, too IN YOUR FACE. I think I’ll name her Spicy.

Anyway, she’s ranting on and on, and I’m trying to telepathically tell TK to run in the other direction. Suddenly, NG looks at my pained expression then Spicy’s big movements and he pushes her into the snow! (I can’t begin to explain how hilarious this was. She’s yelling, yelling, yelling, and then she’s flying through the air. I can now revel in the fact that my Boyfriend-y-ish-Person would do that for me.) Well, she thinks he’s playing around and runs after him laughing and I know a getaway when I see one, so I pull TK along and we get outta there fast.

I can’t go into this weekend’s drama just yet because it involves TK and I need to get his permission to post about it (very ambiguously) online. I will say that going to a small college is a bit reminiscent of high school because your business becomes everyone’s business within three days. Gossip flies but the difference is that no one makes fun of you for it. So everyone may know what freshman girls have slept with half the football team but no one stops hanging out with them. Also, to my chagrin, Spicy makes another unwanted appearance, in fact, she was the starter of the drama.

I suspect she’s going to be in this blog more and more. I mean, it’s me and her in her Facebook profile picture so I know she thinks our “friendship” is a long-lasting, invite-me-to-the-wedding kind of thing. ;-)

Music: Cat Power - The Greatest

1. Some days I will put you, Lightblue, in the most obvious places: as a bookmark, in the fold of my sock, or the right pocket of my favorite jeans. It’s the crumpled yearbook photo that I found on our living room floor a year ago. It was taken two months before your face was framed by hospital sheets. I hide you so loosely that with every move there’s the threat and the hope you will flutter out of these places. And you do sometimes. You stare up at me from the rain puddle or the front steps of the student center, and I will bend down and I will pick you up and I will remember you all day, all day.

2. I do this thing where I open my window and lean out into the night, the darkness covering the scars on my dangling legs. Then I will think about TK and how he “gets me” and has changed me. I will think about my tiny dorm room that has turned into a home. I will think about the lighted house miles in front of me, sandwiched between the shedding trees, wondering who lives there. Then I’ll smile and marvel at the fact that I am not lonely here in these woods.

3. Mr. NG, you have twenty-three freckles on your left arm. You turn seven times in the night - I know because you wake me every time. You kiss my bottom lip. You leave me alone when I need it, and you know when to stay. I’ve lost my battle with reason and caution. I slip into your bed and let you cover me with warmth. And last night when I looked up at you in your sweatpants and t-shirt, when I grabbed your face and asked “Why are you so nice?” I wanted to say something more meaningful. Not “I love you” because I don’t but I think I wanted to say that I could.

Music: Billy Mack (Love Actually OST) - Christmas Is All Around

I was hesitant to write about my break while I was home because it felt strange to talk about my family while they were, oh, five feet away. But now that I’m back at LAC, I feel no desire to hash out what happened. In truth, nothing special occurred. I came back to indifferent siblings who didn’t seem particularly excited that I was home. Actually, they seemed downright surprised to see me, as if Mamajay hadn’t told them of my return. Of course I don’t expect my homecoming to be the main event but it would’ve been nice to feel some enthusiasm on their part.

I was eager to see Dean, my other mom who doesn’t live with us. She’s turned into a quiet woman with years and years of regrets resting heavy between her shoulders. Constantly she walks apologetically around us for tainting our childhood. I’ve forgiven her. All I wanted was to spend a day with her. Yet, she was not that enthused to go out for an afternoon shopping or see a movie. She came for Thanksgiving dinner and then quickly left. I think I saw her for a total of three hours.

On Saturday night I sat alone in my living room, watching movies onDemand and being pissed off at my family. Everyone except my little sister was out and even though I mentioned that I’d be leaving at 8:00 that morning none of them came in to say goodbye. Red did manage to get up and give me a quick hug as I was loading my thing into a friend’s car.

On the flip side, my girls - especially Ginger, Spaz, and the Nuzzler - were incredible. I had barely unpacked my things on Tuesday night when Spaz called and told me what the week was looking like for us. “We’re going to try and see each other everyday, so get ready to be irritated with us by Friday!”

LAC gave me a warm welcome. TK, Mr. New Guy, and my Denisemates all asked about my break and then we fell back into the old rhythms.

Mr. NG surprised me. Ten minutes after he dropped off his things he came down to say hi and tell me how much he missed me while we were away. I seriously melted.

It’s feels nice to be missed, doesn’t it? My family should take a few pointers from Mr. NG.