Hard work. And worth it.
I wish I could describe exactly what I’ve learned in these last two weeks. My view of acting and theatre and just people in general has shifted so greatly since the start of this program that it’s pretty unbelievable, even to me. First of all, actors work so hard, it’s ridiculous. For a while now, I’ve had this crazy notion in my head that acting is simply going onstage and pretending. In a way, I guess that’s what it is, but I’d forgotten about all the preparation that comes before that: the multiple readings of the play, the “scoring” of the script, the discovery of character and physicality, the voice work, the exploration of the words, which lead to phrases, which lead to speeches. And then, once you’ve done all that and actually get to rehearse with a partner, it’s even more challenging. I hadn’t realized until this week how hard it is to just listen and be real with another person in front of an audience. It seems like it would be the most natural thing, but it takes such constant focus and energy, I’m completely exhausted after a scene that’s only a few pages long. So to those actors who are doing this shit 8 times a week, I truly admire you. I only hope that one day I can have the skills and talent necessary to join you.
And that’s just the acting. Everyone’s bodies are sore from all the dancing and everyone is always glistening with sweat (to say it politely). Everyone is constantly struggling to memorize song lyrics, finish their music theory homework, find 16-bar cuts of audition songs. We seem to have reached the point in the program where everyone is teetering on a chasm between having a major breakthrough and having a major breakdown. Students were bursting into tears all week because people are really putting everything they have into their work. And amazing things are coming out of it. I love watching my classmates perform. I find that when their doing their scenes and singing their songs, I can’t stop smiling. And that’s something that I consider a breakthrough for me, because a few years ago, I couldn’t watch other performers without getting jealous. I love each of the 13 people that I have my classes with and they all have something brilliant and special about them. Our group has become fast friends and we all hang out outside of the program, too. The kids who have become my closest friends are wonderful. Most of them are international (Australia, England, Argentina) and I love it. They’re all bringing such interesting perspectives from the world. Unfortunately, though, this means that they want to do lots of fun things here all the time, and sometimes it’s hard to resist and I find myself spending lots of money. It’s bad.
I know this description of my time thus far sounds pretty cheesy and happy-go-lucky, but I’m just really excited about what I’m learning. No, not everyone is super talented and there are lots of people that I can’t realistically see making it as actors. There are days when I’m convinced that I’m untalented and going nowhere and want to give up. But these setbacks only make the good moments feel even better. So much better. I can’t wait for what’s coming in these next few weeks. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this alive.